Relationships can lose their spark over time as love and dynamics grow and change. It doesn’t take 30 years of marriage for this to happen, either. Routines develop and passion turns into comfort and stability. This is often coupled with a slump in the quality of our conversations and a decrease in our sex life, as we drift into a groove. Don’t worry, this is fixable. It’s not too late to rekindle a relationship when things get boring. How to rekindle a relationship? Read on…
So, how to rekindle a relationship…? How does this happen?
These routines are part of the day-to-day patterns we set. They often happen because of our work life, when we come home at the same time each day, eat dinner, and have the same basic conversation, before watching TV and going to bed. Or, maybe, it’s not from work, and we just happened to fall into a pattern where months fly by and we can’t even remember the last time that we went out together.
Think of the start of your relationship and all that fun stuff that happened when you were just falling in love. That’s the magic that keeps the fire burning and helps your love rekindle. The spark fades when that disappears.
This isn’t something that’s planned. It just sort of happens over time. You find yourselves always eating at the same restaurants, heading out to the same places, and seeing the same people. Suddenly, things start to feel mechanical. Spontaneity vanishes in a puff of smoke and fun becomes stagnant.
So, what can we do about getting bored in a relationship when things just don’t feel the same anymore?
Before we start there’s something really important to remember:
Routines don’t form overnight and they certainly don’t all have to change. There’s something reassuring and secure about familiarity and structure, and a happy life is about the balance between this stability and play. When we lose the randomness of excitement and novelty we miss out on so much that keeps our relationships enjoyable.
A word on making these changes and being the one who brings life back to things:
Changing a comfortable routine is one of the most fun things that you can do in a relationship. It keeps things fresh and breathes new life into you and your partner. The unexpectedness of it alone is worth it and it’s the best way to find new ways to have fun and feel bonded.
For most relationships, these changes are going to be met with immediate excitement and joy. Big plans and surprises will be a welcome change from the grind. They’ll open doors to new adventures, hobbies, and habits that you can enjoy together.
But, just a warning, though, I’ve seen a few couples in my time so deeply entrenched in their framework (read this as ‘very extreme cases’) where spontaneity was met with confusion and cynicism. You know where you are in your relationship. If you’re in deep, start small and ease into it.
Still, if you ever hear yourself saying, “My relationship is boring” or “There’s a loss of connection in my relationship” then this is for you:
The (by no means) Master List of Things You Can Try to Rekindle the Spark and How to Rekindle a Relationship!
Just like starting over…
• Imagine how you two acted when you first started dating. Plan out a few nights like that again. Try to be original and surprising. Recreate some of your old dates to get the passion back. Make your younger self proud!
• Get a change of scenery. Bored couples rarely do anything new. But, going somewhere new and trying different things with your partner shows you new sides to them that you might not have ever seen before. Trying different things shows you possibilities which you might have never found out that you loved otherwise. Also, as I said before, it gives you more things to talk about.
How to rekindle a relationship? Work and Life-Balance!
• If you and your partner are always booked for time and rarely see each other, you’re going to have to plan out dates in advance. Show those times appreciation and plan out a few memories for them. The spark is gone? Well, spending time together is the best thing you can do to make things feel connected again if you’re always apart – even if it’s just having a movie night in your living room with the lights turned low and a bottle of good wine.
• On the other hand, if you and your partner spend considerable amounts of time together each day and never get a break (for example, you both work together, share the same friends, eat all of your meals together…) then don’t forget to spend enough alone time to recharge. A monotonous relationship can happen when you’re in a routine, but also when you don’t get enough personal space. Breaking up the “we” a bit each day is healthy and gives you new things to talk about, time to reflect, and personal breathing room to be creative. It’s amazing how much spark comes back just from that. To quote Khalil Gibran, “stand together yet not too near together… [for] the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow”.
• Go to sleep at the same time each night and spend a short while close up before you fall asleep. Even just 5 minutes of it is enough to restore feelings of connection, with or without the TV on.
Some obvious, but important, adult advice to get the passion back:
• A love life sparks when partners mix it up a bit. Start living out some fantasies together that you have both always wanted, or go shopping for supplies (online if you’re too shy to go to a store). Things wind down when your love life is boring. Don’t let that happen. Unsure what your partner wants? Playfully bring it up and ask. If they feel uncomfortable with the question, don’t push. Just be gentle and show that you’re interested in them. It does wonders when your partner knows that they’re wanted and you’re interested in what they’re looking for.
• In that same vein, keep things interesting because boredom will kill your relationship. Surprise your partner sometimes. Buy them a random gift, just because. Book a restaurant that they’ve never been to and don’t tell them where you’re taking them. Just tell them to get dressed up and that you’ll be picking them up around whatever time. Book a private couple’s dance lesson, especially if they love to dance and you don’t because they’ll never see it coming. Go on an unexpected trip that you planned out and they have no idea is coming. Novelty creates memories and stops things from feeling stale.
So, how to rekindle a relationship? These are all things that have from our experience worked to keep things alive and fresh. Follow the points and let us know how it worked out for you.
If you’re interested in reading more about how to rekindle a relationship these titles have been recommended by a few of our readers –
- I Still Do: BRING BACK THAT SPARK Learn How You Can Rekindle The Flame Forever by Dr. Joshua Osenga Ed.d
What else have you done? Share your story with us HERE! We’d love to add to this list. Are there any other book titles that you would recommend? Let us know. Also, what happens if the spark is missing not because you’re comfortable but because you two are in a rough place? We’ll be covering that one in the next post. Check back for it soon.